


This is kind of about you

by pene



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 17:51:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pene/pseuds/pene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"One day this whole thing won't matter."</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is kind of about you

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently all my stories are someone's view of Kurt. This time that someone is Adam.
> 
> Post 5.04. I wanted a chance for Adam to have some resolution.
> 
> Warning for mention of Finn.

Adam is not new to this. He and Jamie dated for almost a year and there were definite _feelings_ involved. Jamie was a drama major. He once threw a plate in a rage - though he didn’t throw it in Adam’s direction so he might have been researching what throwing a plate in a rage feels like. There was also Matt, Kamal (vague heartbreak), Ali, another Matt (agony), that one guy he met in Park Slope with the cute dogs… 

Adam’s heart is not new to this. 

Still, he’s not expecting it when Kurt Hummel steps onto the stage at Winter Showcase and knocks Adam for a six, lightning fast. Kurt’s beautiful. He looks bruised; he looks unbreakable; he looks like he doesn’t trust himself. Damn it. Adam barely has time to roll his eyes at his own predictability. Then Kurt sings and his voice runs across the floor and through the soles of Adam’s shoes and wraps itself tight around Adam’s throat. Adam sits and lets it happen and scarcely takes a breath.

So, when Adam meets Kurt in person it already feels like this could be something. 

Kurt’s peering at the sign-up sheet for the Apples. Adam walks past from his two-hour intensive classical tragedy practicum. Despite the foreshadowing, Adam’s not daft enough to let Kurt leave without saying something. Kurt’s lovely tenor (and there are suggestions of an exceptional counter-tenor) would be a nice vocal addition to the Apples. And, well, Adam is twenty two, he hasn’t touched anyone for a month. From this angle he can’t help but recognize once again that Kurt is leggy and madly gorgeous. Though this is not just about looks. If it were, Adam wouldn’t be as apprehensive as he is. 

He approaches carefully. There are some similarities between freshmen and nervous woodland animals (badgers and hedgehogs and baby deer). He takes his time and makes use of the tiny bit of self-assurance his upper classman status allows him. Kurt is young. He’s bright eyed and quick and funny. When he laughs it fizzes in Adam’s chest, which is diverting. Or perhaps that too is ominous. 

The thing is, Adam won’t be able to say he didn’t see this coming. 

**

There are a few weeks where walking the hallways at NYADA between classes has a new spark to it - the possibility of Kurt and his beauty and awkwardness and blushing cleverness around every corner. Crushing is fun. There’s a lightness to Adam’s steps. He thinks about his clothes more than usual, washes his beanies in homemade wool wash. He would be embarrassed if he thought anyone was likely to notice. 

Kurt joins the Apples. He sings; he smiles. He provides detailed opinions on song choice and styling and the proportion of the Apples who are hat wearers. ("What’s Joe’s excuse?" "His hot water isn’t working, hasn’t washed his hair in weeks." "Okay, in that case we’ll let it slide.") Then Kurt asks Adam to coffee. Adam accepts of course and is charmed by Kurt’s astonishment. 

Over coffee they discuss white stilettos, sequins, show choirs, trashy TV. It’s mostly just easy conversation and for a full minute Adam considers leaving things here, backing way the fuck out. Because Kurt is beautiful and hurting and there’s a good chance that Adam’s placing too much weight on about twenty five minutes of conversation and a lovely voice. But then Kurt takes a breath and lifts his head and Adam is smitten. Their gazes catch. It pools low against Adam’s spine. There’s no chance he’s backing out now. 

Adam is smitten but he is also perceptive. He is aware he’s falling too fast and too far and is likely to come to a soggy end. He knows he wants to make Kurt laugh and that’s fine but he also knows he wants to fix everything that’s ever been broken and he can’t stop doing it and that is just no good at all.

**

When Adam thinks about love it’s a whole mass of metaphors about leaping off cliffs and both feet and no net. 

Adam is brave. He says, “You still love him, don’t you?”

Kurt says, “I desperately want to be over him.” 

Adam will probably live to regret any choice he makes here. But Kurt is something extraordinary and when he’s in the room Adam apparently loses his capacity for assessing risk. Still, he reminds himself, he knows what he’s doing. He’s being brave. He’s stepping forward, trying for something, however unlikely a vision of the future that something is. 

“Good,” says Adam. 

He thinks that this is where bravery counts. When the most likely thing is heartbreak. He takes Kurt’s hand. It already feels like it’s worth it. 

**

“It’s a third date and it’s oddly freezing out,” says Adam as they walk. “I say fondue is the ticket.”

Kurt presses his chin into his scarf against the cold. He raises his eyebrows. “Well it does have the benefit of being French. Toujours de luxe.”

“Mais non! C’est suisse,” says Adam, mostly happy that Kurt didn’t correct him on the third date thing. He was an English schoolboy before he came across the pond, so his French is passable. Kurt giggles. They argue in modest French until they reach the bistro doorway on Park. 

Inside, Adam takes Kurt’s overcoat and drapes it over one arm. The décor is handsome, old school French bistro. Kurt looks around critically before smiling at Adam. 

“This is perfect,” he says. Adam smiles. He can’t stop. 

Kurt’s cheeks are red with the cold and his eyes are bright silvery green. Sometimes when Adam looks at Kurt he can see not just how Kurt is now but all the things Kurt will become. He might be putting Kurt on a pedestal, it’s true, but it feels like some kind of exasperating Harry Potter mirror magic and he’s not willing to let that go. 

Afterwards, walking to the subway, Adam reaches a hand for Kurt’s. Kurt’s palm is clammy as his fingers wrap around Adam’s. Adam wills the short walk to take forever. At the subway entrance Adam turns his body toward Kurt, hoping for something more. Their fingers are still tangled together. When Kurt lifts his head his eyes are wide and dark. Adam tries not to think about the questions that sit between them. Then Kurt leans into Adam, breathes against Adam’s breath. It’s tentative at first. 

But it’s not like this is either of their first kiss. 

Adam wraps his arms around Kurt. Kurt fits there effortlessly. Kurt tips his head and makes muted sounds against Adam’s mouth as Adam’s tongue runs across his lips. He shifts closer to Adam’s body, pressing his chest and thighs against Adam’s. Adam’s heart thuds against his ribs. They break apart. 

"Oh," says Kurt softly. 

“Oh good?” asks Adam and tilts his head at Kurt. 

“Oh,” says Kurt again. “Yes. Good.” He’s breathless and he’s not stepping back. Adam feels bold. 

“My place is just a few minutes away on the L.”

Kurt looks at him steadily but he’s chewing his lip and Adam knows he’s thinking about more than just the two of them when he’s making this choice. Kurt swallows. 

“Okay,” he says with a quiet smile. Adam smiles back, because he’s helpless not to. 

**

The door of Adam’s tiny Greenpoint studio closes after them. Adam flips the light switch. He’s pleased the place is clean. 

He holds out a hand to Kurt and draws him in. Kurt comes forward easily. It’s as though he’s made a decision and there’s no more need to hold back. When they kiss it deepens quickly, mouths parted and Kurt’s tongue moving against Adam’s. They make quick work of scarves and coats. Adam runs his hands under Kurt’s shirt, splaying them across the enticing warmth of Kurt’s lower back. Kurt lifts Adam’s shirt over his head then fumbles and lets Adam unbutton his. 

Adam tilts his head. “I’d suggest we move things to the bedroom but-” He indicates the futon which doubles as couch and bed. 

Kurt looks over. “Brings a sort of special meaning to ‘Voulez vous coucher avec moi?’” he says. “Which sounds incredibly formal now that I’ve used it in context.”

“You’re simply gorgeous,” says Adam. Then, “Lady Marmalade or Lil Wayne?” 

Kurt blushes. “Please,” he says, “Lady Marmalade has both Christina and Missy Elliot. And likewise.”

“So. Bed?” Adam asks. 

Kurt nods steadily. “Yes.”

Adam walks Kurt backward toward the bed. He pulls Kurt into his arms and brings their mouths together as he lowers Kurt down onto his back. He leans over him, supports his weight above Kurt as they kiss. 

Not unexpectedly Kurt is the most beautiful thing Adam has seen. But Adam’s not nervous. This thing between them has always felt finite – as though every time could be the last time he’ll touch Kurt. As though Kurt is not his. 

And if this is the last time, he’s going to worship this boy. If this is the last time, Adam’s going to open him beautifully and breathlessly. 

He runs his lips over Kurt’s chest, not really kissing but memorizing. He mouths against Kurt’s skin; feels Kurt’s muscles under the surface; feels Kurt’s breathing catch. 

“Come here,” Kurt says and draws him up close with a hand on his side, reaches around and holds him tight as they kiss again. He takes a breath as though to speak but says nothing. 

They haven’t done much negotiating. “You should know I’m comfortable taking this wherever you want, Kurt,” Adam says. 

There’s a momentary flash of relief in Kurt’s eyes. “Then would you-” He pauses. “Fuck me. Please.”

Adam drops his head and almost moans his yes against Kurt’s shoulder. 

***

Adam welcomes the ways in which Kurt is like every other boy. Kurt’s body spreads and opens up for him. It lets him inside. Kurt grunts softly, builds repeated breathy gasps as Adam speeds up and fucks into him. Adam knows what he’s doing. He rotates his hips as he’s buried deep inside Kurt. He shifts at just the right angle, pushes hard into Kurt. Kurt groans, long and low and wordless. It’s captivating.

Adam curls down and presses his teeth into Kurt’s collarbone, gently bites his skin. Kurt gasps and drops his head further back. Adam tongues against the tendons in his long neck. Kurt moans again, rakes his nails hard against Adam’s back. He wraps his legs higher about Adam’s waist. His heels beat a rhythm against Adam’s back as Adam keeps pushing and pushing deeper inside Kurt.

“Oh,” Kurt exhales. “Oh god.” He draws breath between his teeth. His pupils are wide and dark. His lower lip is red under his teeth. It looks like he’s holding himself together which is the last thing Adam wants. 

Adam murmurs, “Please. Please, I want you to, sweetheart. Yeah. I want you to come with my dick inside you. Do it for me.” It’s too many words. Too much. And Adam doesn’t think Kurt is doing this for Adam, exactly. 

Kurt closes his eyes. Adam doesn’t ask him to open them. 

Adam reaches between them and fists Kurt’s cock. Kurt thrusts up into Adam’s hand. When Kurt comes it spurts messy between them. Kurt whimpers a little, thrusts more weakly, wringing himself out between Adam’s fist and Adam’s dick behind. Then Kurt slumps back against the bed, his body yielding as Adam fucks into him. Adam comes on a moan. He lets his body fall against Kurt’s pliant form for a few minutes. They breathe together. They don’t speak.

After Adam has rid himself of the condom and cleaned them up a little, Kurt shifts. He makes as to sit up.

“Stay,” says Adam, closing his eyes. “Stay the night.”

He doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t want to see Kurt leave. After a moment the bed shifts. Kurt settles down, curls in beside Adam. He shifts closer so his back rests against Adam’s chest. Kurt is not Adam’s but Adam wraps an arm about Kurt’s waist and presses a kiss to his back. He breathes Kurt in as he goes to sleep. 

***

Adam wakes to Kurt still in his bed. Kurt is awake, looking at the ceiling. He turns his head to Adam. Adam smiles drowsily. 

“Morning, sunshine,” he says.

“Hi,” says Kurt breathily. 

Adam reaches to pull closer to Kurt. He kisses Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt turns and kisses Adam’s lips gently. “I’m going to go,” he says in a half whisper.

“I figured you might,” says Adam. 

“Yeah,” says Kurt. It’s regretful but certain.

“Okay.” Adam slides out of bed and pulls on some trousers. He helps Kurt gather yesterday’s clothes. 

He doesn’t offer Kurt coffee. He’s English. He drinks tea most of the time anyway. And there are only so many times Adam can show himself willing and waiting. 

Last night Adam was ready to let go of everything; go down with the ship; throw his whole self at this one time. But now he doesn’t want it to be over. This was a fucking dreadful idea. This is going to ache.

***

They’re at the café a block from NYADA. There’s a cooling distance between them. Adam wants to fight it, but he doesn’t have a clear idea of how. Kurt says, “I have to go home. My dad’s getting his test results.”

Adam reaches for Kurt. Kurt looks down at their hands distractedly. It’s like he’s already gone. Adam’s brave, he knows what he wants, but he’s not going to hold out hope beyond what makes sense. 

“I’ll be thinking of you,” he says. Because it’s an inarguable truth.

Kurt looks up and blinks. “Thank you.” 

Adam watches Kurt leave. He thinks that one day this whole thing won’t matter. The trouble is it probably already doesn’t matter to Kurt.

***

He hasn’t heard from Kurt in a couple of weeks. Instead he hears about Kurt’s engagement. Some of the Apples guys are speaking across the rehearsal space. “Can you believe it? There were four show choirs.” They stop when they notice Adam. There’s silence. Everyone in this room watched as he fell for Kurt. 

Adam looks down at the papers in his hand. “Brought the wrong music, sorry chaps,” he says and leaves. 

There are hurried footsteps behind him in the hallway. “Can we talk?” 

Adam would recognize that voice anywhere. He turns. Kurt is back. He is nervous. He looks sad - dressed in grays, shifting on his feet. He’s still stunning. Adam’s stomach twists and flips at the sight of him. He wonders if it always will. 

“About?” says Adam. 

“I wanted to tell you. But I was at home, and then my brother- I was away. I haven’t seen you.”

Adam looks up the hallway. There are students filtering through. He turns to open the nearest door. It’s the chamber orchestra rehearsal space and is empty. Kurt follows. He lets the door swing shut.

“I wanted to tell you,” says Kurt again.

Adam holds up his hands. “I don’t- You didn’t owe me anything. I wish I had heard from you first but you didn’t even owe me that. Still, you don’t get to think this doesn’t hurt. I can’t feel less than I feel.” Adam takes a breath and looks away. “Fuck,” he says, low, as the pain curls in his belly. “I hoped- This could have been something.” 

“I’m sorry.”

Adam never wanted Kurt to apologize. He wanted him to say “I know.”

“I understand that you were never dishonest with me. I just can’t see you for a while, Kurt,” says Adam dully. 

Kurt looks startled. “But… Adam’s Apples.”

Adam is suddenly, unfairly incensed. “That’s _my_ space.”

Kurt blinks at him. His left thumb shifts to rub against the ring he is wearing. Adam looks at Kurt’s face. There’s a disconnect there, a sadness that seems out of place. Kurt isn’t Adam’s, has never been Adam’s. Still Adam can’t leave it alone. 

“I saw you, Kurt. At the Winter Showcase. You were broken. And look, it’s not my place to fix you.”

“No,” Kurt says tightly. “It’s not.” 

Adam can’t stop. “He-” Adam gestures at Kurt and says the name. “Blaine. He broke you. But you’ve had time and in that time you got better. I thought some of that, a tiny bit of that, was down to me. But fuck. Maybe it was down to him.”

“It wasn’t down to you or Blaine,” says Kurt through his teeth. “It was down to me.”

“And now, you’re engaged to marry him. But I’m looking at you and you look distraught. I don’t know if I’ve actually ever seen this clearly but what else can I think? It seems like Blaine has something to do with that.”

Kurt takes a quick breath. “My brother died.” His voice sits close around the words.

Adam blinks in shock. Kurt turns to leave. 

“I didn’t know,” says Adam. “Kurt. I’m sorry.” 

“I know,” says Kurt as he walks out. 

**

The next day Adam texts carefully: “I’m sorry. If you need a friend, I can be that.” 

He hears from Kurt two weeks later. “Thank you. I appreciate that.” 

Adam writes immediately, “You were integral to the Apples. We would welcome you back. Or you and I could meet at Chocolate Bar. As friends. With hot chocolate.” He’s aware he is probably trying too hard, that some of this is about making himself feel better. But motives aside he cares about Kurt. 

Kurt texts: “Don’t worry, I somehow started a band. But give me a few weeks and I won’t turn down Chocolate Bar.”

When they meet Adam holds himself in check. He tries not to look too long. There’s a glint of metal in Kurt’s mouth and a light in his eyes. 

“Are you happy?” Adam asks eventually.

Kurt nods but takes a moment to answer. “Yeah,” he says softly. “Yeah. I mean-”

He doesn’t need to finish. They sip their drinks and turn to talk about music and British royalty and finals. 

**

Months later Adam sees Kurt in the hallway. He’s luminous. He’s holding hands with a dark haired boy. They’re in their own world, talking together. When Kurt laughs the boy beams up at him with bright clear eyes. Adam knows that look. He doesn’t know how anyone looks at Kurt without it. 

This has never really been Adam’s story. It just felt like it at the time.


End file.
